My Primal Fear

Well, I am scared of a lot of things. But I have only few Primal fears, and I am reminded of one of those fears far too often since I turned forty.

It may sound ludicrous to some, but I am sure fervent readers would identify with me and my Primal fear. I know I won't be able to read all the books that have ever been written. But I want to be able to read at least all the books and authors that I am interested in, and this list keeps getting bigger, instead of shorter.

Like for example, I was so happy when I got the "Letters to a young poet" book which was on my To-Read list for a very long time. But then this awesome Mr.Rainer M. Rilke recommends this other great author Jens Peter Jacobsen and his masterpiece Niels Lyhne and says that if you read this, a world will come over you, the happiness, the abundance, and the incomprehensible immensity of a world ... Hmmm. You see, how my list keeps growing !

And I don't know how to explain this fear, I actually feel the tremble in my belly, fearing that I should be able to do justice to my to-Read list, in order to fulfil my life's purpose. I feel it as one of my life's duties to be able to take in this wealth of knowledge that these learned men and women of past have left for me.

See this painfully beautiful passage from Niels Lyhne :

"Happy is the person who, in his grief, when one of his loved ones is gone, can weep all his tears at the emptiness, abandonment, and loss; for they are heavier, more bitter tears that must atone for what bygone days have seen of lack of love for the one who is now dead, toward whom no offense can be expiated again. For now they come back: not only the harsh words, meticulously poisoned replies, intolerant censure, and thoughtless anger, but also caustic thoughts that were never voiced, hasty judgments that raced through your mind, lonely shrugs of the shoulder and unseen smiles, full of scorn and impatience; they all come back like evil arrows and sink their shafts deep in your own breast, their shafts blunt because the points have broken off in the heart that is no more. It is no more, there is nothing you can make good again, nothing. Now there is plenty of love in your heart, but now it is too late; go on up to the cold grave with your full heart! Can you get any closer? Plant flowers and weave wreaths—do you get any closer?"

Letters to a young poet

"Letters to a young poet" is a collection of letters written by Rainer Maria Rilke, to a young would-be poet on poetry and on surviving as a sensitive observer in a harsh world. The original letters were in German and there have been three translations of this collection. I chose the one by M.D.Herter Norton as it had the most recommendations. It is a very small book, just 90 pages. But I am sure the contents will be quite deep and I want to savour every word of it.

I read through the first of ten letters yesterday. I will just quote some important parts of what Rilke had to say on writing itself ....

“Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.

...Describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity ...

... - And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.”

This is an eye opener for me. Because even though I love writing, I am always so adamant about not revealing my vulnerabilities. Any form of art, including writing, would be so incomplete if the artist does not bare his/her soul. This is going to be my guiding principle for me when in doubt.

I guess my many forthcoming posts would be heavily loaded with Rilke quotes.

Brumotactillophobia

For those who dared to read this post, in spite of the scary title, let me first thank you 😀

A few days ago, we went out for dinner with a friend's family, this was the first time we were dining together, and this is what happened ... One of the kids of my friend refused to touch the dosa he had ordered, because the chutney was placed on top of it. His mother promptly took the plate for herself, and asked the server to give dosa without chutney on top of it. But it seems the chutney had already been placed on the dosa in the second plate too, so it was removed before serving it to the boy. The traces were however visible and the boy refused to touch the plate, and it was passed on to his sister. After another request, the third plate came along looking agreeable, with dosa on one side, and chutney at a safe distance away from it. Finally, the boy decided to start eating.

In spite of all my emphasis on being non-judgemental, I could not but refrain from judging my friend for her parenting skills. I wondered how she could allow this kind of picky eating, especially when outside at a restaurant. And he was not a toddler anymore, he is 11 years old now, isn't time for the kids to be trained by now? Thankfully, i kept all these thoughts to myself, and just asked if they never ate out. She replied saying that they had either pizza or Thali meals when they went out. And in Thali meals, they have all the food items given in separate small bowls.

As usual, after a few hours, I felt bad about my initial judgemental reaction, and I tried to find more about this picky eating habit of his. And I came to know about Brumotactillophobia, which means a fear of different food items touching each other. It is a mild form of OCD and it just means that these people are comfortable to have some kind of control over how things, including their food, should be arranged. And most likely it had no relation to my friends' parenting skills, whose elder kid was always happy to adjust to any kind of situation.

So, there you go, if there was anything wrong about anyone, it was me and my fault-finding tendencies. A quote by Aldous Huxley would be good to remember :
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. 

The Ear Hustle Podcast

Today I had originally planned to write about some other topic. But then, that could wait. I just had to share about this unique podcast that i recently came to know about, and listened to just one episode. The podcast is named Ear hustle and it "brings you the stories of life inside prison, shared and produced by those living it".

I am a very big fan of podcasts, and my love for them is supplementing, and now-a-days even competing with, my love of reading. The best part about podcasts is that I can listen to them as i am washing dishes, or ironing my clothes, which I can't do if I am reading. So, in that sense, my "listening" time has definitely superseded my "reading" time.

Well, coming back to Ear Hustle. Let me tell you the big news first. The governor of California has commuted the sentence of Earlonne Woods, who is a co-producer of the podcast, and serving a 31 years-to-life imprisonment for attempted robbery. In his letter, the governor said Woods “has clearly shown that he is no longer the man he was when he committed this crime. He has set a positive example,” Brown wrote. “Through his podcast, [Woods] has shared meaningful stories from those inside prison.” 

Woods has already served 21 years of his sentence. But now he will be a free man, and continue to work as an employee on the podcast, also bringing stories about resuming his life outside the prison. I feel so good about this. And in the one episode that I listened to just today, I could understand why the podcast became so successful. It shows how the prisoners are also just normal humans, having same feelings about most things in life, and as the prisoners share their intimate feelings about various topics, it's hard not to empathise with them.

I have subscribed to this one. And let me tell you, that I am very choosy about the podcasts that I listen to. I collect them like gems, choosing only the ones i can truly appreciate, and connect with.

Friends with different values

Yesterday my daughter gave me some dull responses after her friend had left following a joint homework session. I knew something was not right and went to talk to her. She said, with tears in those big, beautiful eyes, that her friend had pointed out how different they were, in a not very pleasant manner. That made my little one wonder if they could continue to be friends or not.

Usually when facing a situation like this, with my daughter or my friends, I refrain from giving any direct solutions or suggestions. I just share my experiences which I consider relevant. And so I told her about different types of friends I have. Most of us are very similar in most ways, we have common interests, or common views about important matters etc. But I do have many friends with whom there isn't much in common. Sometimes I myself even wonder how did we end up being such great friends, even though we are so different from each other. Different, not only in terms of our likings, or how we dress, or what we like to eat, etc., but also, different in some core values that we have. I have a friend who don't think marriage is an equal relationship and strongly believes husband to be far superior to wife. Someone who thinks education is just a tool to get a job, and if you have a guaranteed job prospect, there is no need to attend any college. And these are some things that I have very strong objections to.

So are we just acting as friends? Not at all. We truly like each other a lot, and can completely depend on each other. But we do understand that we both come from very very different backgrounds, upbringing, and worldly exposure. There is no pressure from either side for anyone to change. This understanding took some significant time to develop. And now we have a wonderful bond inspite of our differences.

This is just one example. I have many friends with such varied backgrounds, and that's what enriches my life too. Love and hugs to ALL my friends.

p.s : Needless to say, my daughter seems to have found her answer to her situation too.

One thing where I am proud not to be a minimalist

I am a self confessed minimalist, an underbuyer, and a naturally non-stuff oriented person.

But one thing that I have an abundance of, the one pile that I am happy to say is ever growing, bigger, deeper, richer, and stronger is my group of friends. One has to be very very fortunate to have great friendships in one's life, and I am definitely a blessed one in this regard. My husband and I have a joint account with regards to friends. Over time, most of his friends, and their spouses have become my friends too, and vice-versa. 

Needless to say, our weekends are busy. Either we are visiting someone or we are hosting some friends at our place. And the best part is none of these meetings are fancy. We cook as usual, just some extra portions, and everyone feels at home. The focus is only on spending quality time with each other. And there is always so much to talk - kids, money matters, ageing parents, health issues, travel plans, ideas for the future, regrets of the past, and the list goes on.

It does not matter how big the home is, there is always space if the heart is big enough. 

The Saga of bread winners - part 1

Today, as a consequence of my recent conversations, i thought i will write about the saga of bread winners who go abroad, alone.
In my small residential layout consisting of around 60 houses, we have 5 families where the bread winner is either abroad or in a different city, leaving the families behind. They have all gone into this arrangement thinking it was a temporary one, just for a few months, or years, just until so and so commitment is taken care of etc. But the months dragged into years, and there seems to be no return ticket. They participate in all the functions and birthdays via FaceTime or Skype, come home briefly and try to squeeze all the possible fun in a hectic week or ten days.
Gradually, the old parents, wives, children, all get adjusted into this new routine and eventually make peace with it too. However it is so difficult for the guy, who is toiling so hard in a foreign land, watching his life slipping by. When will he ever return? After he earns enough to close all his loans? After he saves enough to send his kids to college? After he saves enough for their marriage and his retirement?

How much is enough?

This is the question that pops up in many conversations these days. And there is no easy answer to that. No amount we ever make or save will ever be enough, unless we limit our wants.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by these questions, a chat with my household always helps me to put things in perspective. She is the lone bread-winner for her family, after her husband passed away. She takes care of her old mother, two daughters and four grandchildren. They have their own house, so shelter is not a worry for them. The kids go to govt school, in case of emergencies her employers help her financially, and she is so content with her life. She always ends her chat with "vera enna ma vennum" meaning "what else do I need?' See the stark difference in the question?

The only answer to the difficult question of "How much is enough" is having appreciation and gratitude for the people and things that are good in your life. If one has that, they need not toil in foreign land, watching their entire youth and entire life slipping away.