My Primal Fear

Well, I am scared of a lot of things. But I have only few Primal fears, and I am reminded of one of those fears far too often since I turned forty.

It may sound ludicrous to some, but I am sure fervent readers would identify with me and my Primal fear. I know I won't be able to read all the books that have ever been written. But I want to be able to read at least all the books and authors that I am interested in, and this list keeps getting bigger, instead of shorter.

Like for example, I was so happy when I got the "Letters to a young poet" book which was on my To-Read list for a very long time. But then this awesome Mr.Rainer M. Rilke recommends this other great author Jens Peter Jacobsen and his masterpiece Niels Lyhne and says that if you read this, a world will come over you, the happiness, the abundance, and the incomprehensible immensity of a world ... Hmmm. You see, how my list keeps growing !

And I don't know how to explain this fear, I actually feel the tremble in my belly, fearing that I should be able to do justice to my to-Read list, in order to fulfil my life's purpose. I feel it as one of my life's duties to be able to take in this wealth of knowledge that these learned men and women of past have left for me.

See this painfully beautiful passage from Niels Lyhne :

"Happy is the person who, in his grief, when one of his loved ones is gone, can weep all his tears at the emptiness, abandonment, and loss; for they are heavier, more bitter tears that must atone for what bygone days have seen of lack of love for the one who is now dead, toward whom no offense can be expiated again. For now they come back: not only the harsh words, meticulously poisoned replies, intolerant censure, and thoughtless anger, but also caustic thoughts that were never voiced, hasty judgments that raced through your mind, lonely shrugs of the shoulder and unseen smiles, full of scorn and impatience; they all come back like evil arrows and sink their shafts deep in your own breast, their shafts blunt because the points have broken off in the heart that is no more. It is no more, there is nothing you can make good again, nothing. Now there is plenty of love in your heart, but now it is too late; go on up to the cold grave with your full heart! Can you get any closer? Plant flowers and weave wreaths—do you get any closer?"

Letters to a young poet

"Letters to a young poet" is a collection of letters written by Rainer Maria Rilke, to a young would-be poet on poetry and on surviving as a sensitive observer in a harsh world. The original letters were in German and there have been three translations of this collection. I chose the one by M.D.Herter Norton as it had the most recommendations. It is a very small book, just 90 pages. But I am sure the contents will be quite deep and I want to savour every word of it.

I read through the first of ten letters yesterday. I will just quote some important parts of what Rilke had to say on writing itself ....

“Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.

...Describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty - describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity ...

... - And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.”

This is an eye opener for me. Because even though I love writing, I am always so adamant about not revealing my vulnerabilities. Any form of art, including writing, would be so incomplete if the artist does not bare his/her soul. This is going to be my guiding principle for me when in doubt.

I guess my many forthcoming posts would be heavily loaded with Rilke quotes.

Brumotactillophobia

For those who dared to read this post, in spite of the scary title, let me first thank you 😀

A few days ago, we went out for dinner with a friend's family, this was the first time we were dining together, and this is what happened ... One of the kids of my friend refused to touch the dosa he had ordered, because the chutney was placed on top of it. His mother promptly took the plate for herself, and asked the server to give dosa without chutney on top of it. But it seems the chutney had already been placed on the dosa in the second plate too, so it was removed before serving it to the boy. The traces were however visible and the boy refused to touch the plate, and it was passed on to his sister. After another request, the third plate came along looking agreeable, with dosa on one side, and chutney at a safe distance away from it. Finally, the boy decided to start eating.

In spite of all my emphasis on being non-judgemental, I could not but refrain from judging my friend for her parenting skills. I wondered how she could allow this kind of picky eating, especially when outside at a restaurant. And he was not a toddler anymore, he is 11 years old now, isn't time for the kids to be trained by now? Thankfully, i kept all these thoughts to myself, and just asked if they never ate out. She replied saying that they had either pizza or Thali meals when they went out. And in Thali meals, they have all the food items given in separate small bowls.

As usual, after a few hours, I felt bad about my initial judgemental reaction, and I tried to find more about this picky eating habit of his. And I came to know about Brumotactillophobia, which means a fear of different food items touching each other. It is a mild form of OCD and it just means that these people are comfortable to have some kind of control over how things, including their food, should be arranged. And most likely it had no relation to my friends' parenting skills, whose elder kid was always happy to adjust to any kind of situation.

So, there you go, if there was anything wrong about anyone, it was me and my fault-finding tendencies. A quote by Aldous Huxley would be good to remember :
There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.